fear? passion? boredom?

why does it seem that there is so much that I could be doing, so many places I could go, so much world left to see, just so much something else out there but I am still here, still trying to figure out my place but not making any steps to somewhere new. I sometimes find myself comparing myself to my little sister - i really shouldn't, she is 19 and lives in her own little non-reality. She lives and travels around the world, she trys out and then appears on reality shows, she is a wanderer at heart but she has put all fear aside to make the most out of these last years of no responsibilities. If I had no responsibility and a credit card paid for my my dad then maybe I could be more like her - but I guess that isn't the case but I do want something that I haven't found yet. Am I bored - yes. Do I have a passion - no. Am i scared - most of the time. My husband has this dream of opening a small resort on an island - but he is thinking in the future - a lot of me thinks what about now, what about in 3 years and not 20. I am ready to do something out of the ordinary, to take a huge risk and move somewhere tropical and far away. I kind of want to raise my family on the beaches of a small island, to home school in our kitchen that overlooks the beach, to have my boys play soccer w/ the locals. Thier childhood would be miles away from the midwest suburban upbring my husband and I knew but it would breed culture and understanding. Maybe I want to give them something I never had - something I always craved. I am ready for an adventure and while sometimes everyday life is an adventure enough - I am pretty sure there is something big waiting for us, something that we just haven't stumbled upon yet. I am waiting - but I am sick of being patient - like the fat girl on Charlie and the Chocolate Factory said "I WANT IT NOW!!"

to do or not to do....

so this little peanut - is a BOY!! super excited and everything ... but now we have to decide if we want to circumsize him or not. I had Dash circumsized because at the time I didn't really think about it and just did what I thought was normal to do. I was somewhat traumatized afterward - I did not know that his poor little penis would be so red, bloody, oozy - gross. It made me vomit to think that I caused my newborn baby that much pain just so he could look like his dad? Its not like any penis is exceptionally attractive - it now seems strange to do "plastic surgery" on a new perfect baby but I stll have to convince my husband.

the biggest argument is that dash and his brother will look different - but won't they look different anyways. Dash has blonde hair and blue eyes that come from nowhere - what is the chance that this baby will too?  Most likely this will be a little black hair, dark eyed cutie so if their faces and hair look different, it should be okay for their penises to not look the same.

big decisions big decisions --- at least we have time

16 weeks...

I am 16 weeks today so I figured I should write a pregnancy post. Everything so far has been good -  I have been having a few contractions here and there but nothing to serious and all the ultrasounds so far look good. I have to start the 17P injections tomorrow and they just arrived in the mail today - I am scared of needles and more scared of the fact that Brent has to give them to me. I hope to prevent preterm labor this time b/c I don't know how I would handle bedrest w/ a crazy toddler. My preterm labor started at 21 weeks last time - I really pray that history doesn't repeat itself but the doctors don't seem optimistic and are being very cautious.

I am starting to kind of look pregnant - but really it just looks like i am getting fatter every week. I can't wait to have a real baby bump so i dont look like a fatty! I didnt start showing w/ Dash until 25 weeks - so at least I think I will be showing sooner this time. I have totally been craving strawberries - I eat an entire container every single day and they are delicious. Fresh pineapple too....yummy!

As for baby names --- the debate continues but I think we have narrowed it down to 3. Brent loves one, which I think is too popular, I love one which Brent isn't completely sold on, and then we have a middle option - which everyday I think about it, I am starting to like it less and less. ugh - it is such a process.

prayers

My friends Lindsay and Dale lost their new born baby boy this weekend after a very short time on this earth. Please pray that they are somehow able to find peace and understanding in this tragedy. My heart just aches for them. I will hug my little man a lot tighter and pray that this new little one contines to grow stronger and healthier each week.

normal

i never thought I would be a stay-at-home mom type, i figured i would work hard, make lots of money and send my kids to daycare and be able to enjoy nice things as a result. things change and i am still adjusting to staying home but everyday I start to love it a little more. I get to see my little man growing up - I get to hear every new word that comes from his mouth. I get to chase him at the playground to stop him from running into the lake (why do they build playgrounds next to lakes filled w/ alligators?). sure, we don't have as much money and won't be taking any extravagent European vacations anytime soon and good old Sallie Mae is probably not going to be getting her money back in this decade but it doesn't matter. We live in Florida, beaches are 10 minutes away, Disney is a 1 hour drive - we will have mini staycations and make memories all the same. I may not be a domestic diva - i mean my husband does the laundry and we eat out a good portion of the time - but it is our normal. Our house may have piles of toys all over and cheerios under the couch but it is my comfortable. I would rather spend these first years, playing w/ chalk or blowing bubbles, than scrubbing the floors. And soon there will be another little dude (yes, it is a boy!!) and I want to be home to see everything that I missed when Dashy was in daycare. I don't want to get a piece of paper that tells me what he ate or how much he pooped - i want to be able to count his poops and i want to take him to baby yoga and mommy and me and all the things i missed out on because I went back to work too soon. one day I will have to work (or else Sallie will probably never get her money) but for the next few years I want my days to be filled w/ diapers and mess and toy cars and trips to the park. I want this to stay my normal.