In his eyes ...

Dash started preschool this month. He loves it. In the 3 short weeks he has been there, his speech has vastly improved, he has had 3 somewhat major injuries require accident reports and he now likes to pick up his toys at home. I think he likes to go and do his own thing. But yesterday while his teacher was putting him in his carseat in the pickup line - she was telling me about their project they did that day. They had cut pictures out of magazines to represent their families and  pasted them on some construction paper. Typical toddler project. She handed me Dash's picture out of his Thomas backpack. There was a picture of lady with brown hair, a man that was probably 65 years old (apparently Dash thinks Brent is really old), a picture of a little blonde toddler and 2 dogs that actually looked like our 2 dogs. There was no baby. She said she kept on giving him a baby to glue onto the picture and he refused. He started crying. He didn't want a baby in his family. I don't know why that made me so sad but it did. Dash doesn't talk all that much - so for him to say "no baby on my picture" , it means he really didn't want the baby there. The baby is not even a baby anymore, he runs, he plays, he likes to dig in the dirt too - shouldn't they be friends? Shouldn't Dash be happy to have a playmate, a partner in crime? But no - somewhere in that little almost 3 year old mind, he still sees the baby as a nuisance, someone who he really wishes wasn't around. It just made me sad for him - that by adding to our family it created some sort of resentment in Dash, I know he is only 3 and will get over it and I hope one day they will be best friends and glad to have each other but it is still disheartening to know that in his beautiful blue eyes he sees his family as mama, daddy, him and 2 crazy dogs. He didn't ask for a baby and he still doesn't like him.

a decade ago

i was 20 and a sophomore in college on 9/11/01. I remember being woken up by Brent's fraternity roommates telling us that something bad had happened... we climbed out of the bunk and walked into their living area.  We watched the chaos that the first plane hitting had caused and I remember the banter of of discussing how that could happen but none of us had really understood the magnitude yet . But then we watched as the second plane came crashing into the 2nd tower and we just sat in stunned silence. In a room that was usually held drinking contests between frat boys and still had the solo cups from Monday night's party littering the bar - the raw emotions in that room between 12 college guys and me is hard to explain. In that very moment we all lost a lot of our innocence.  I left shortly later to make it to my drama class at 10:30 - half of the class wasn't there and our professor was her cheerful self. I remember the girl that told her what happen - her name was Autumn, she was on the swim team. Our professor, a young girl with a New York accent, immediately started crying. A minute later someone brought in a television set and we watched the rest of the morning unfold. Our professor dismissed class but we all stayed and watched. Hours later I finally made contact with my dad - he traveled a lot and had left Newark on a flight that earlier that morning. All those hours I never even considered he could have been on one of those planes. I still remember so much about that day --- I remember the email we got from our Communications professor telling us that our scheduled exam that evening was still going to happen - only did I make my way to campus to take the test that it had ultimately been cancelled. I remember the candlelight vigils and the general friendliness of everyone on campus in the weeks that followed. I remember the footage that played on our televisions 24/7. On this day I can't watch that footage - maybe it brings back too memories. maybe i don't want my children to try to comprehend such things. but whether I choose to watch or not - i will not forget.