I AM,

(i am stealing the blog title from http://www.kellehampton.com/2010/12/i-am.html , if you dont follow her you are missing out on all sorts of awesomeness.)

This being the last day of 2010 and a brand spanking new year right around the corner - I feel compelled to write a post about the person I want to be in 2011. Kelle inspired me to adopt the mantra - I am capable. I am capable of being the kind of mother that I want my children to have. I am capable of embracing thier childhood and making it special, even magical because I want them to have those memories and experiences. I need not to worry what other mothers are doing or if they are judging me because I let my son run barefoot in the park chasing squirrels or worry that someone might care that my laundry isn't done and there are dirty dishes in the sink because I choose to take the kids to the beach or spend the afternoon playing with chalk in the backyard. I want to be able to admit that I dont care if the playroom floor is barely visible because Dash has gotten every single toy out - it's a playroom and he is a kid. If he wants to hop like a bunny the entire way from Macy's to The Gap - I'm going to let him no matter how long it takes because he is happy which means I am happy. Life is too short and childhood even shorter to dwell on the messes - I am going to just clean them up and go on with our day. There will be no crying over spilled milk or yelling over broken jelly jars. I am incredibly lucky that I get to spend these years with them - I get to help form them into the men they will be one day. I want to suck the marrow out of this year - I want to be a better mother, a better wife and a better person and i know that I am capable of doing it.

Happy Holidays!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! It's hard to believe another year is over -- it seems like just weeks ago I was finding out I was pregnant and now I have an almost 5 month old laying on my chest. what a busy year!

We have all been sick the last couple weeks - Mackey ended up spending one night in the hospital to recieve IV fluids. He is doing much better - but it is scary when you hear that they are admitting you. It means that your little man is really sick - poor baby. He took the IV like a man - smiled and coo'ed the whole time they were putting it in. He lost a little weight so he is probably around 11.5lbs now - still just a little guy.

Dash has been getting all four molars at one time and therefore is the crankiest toddler on the block --- some days he is pretty much unbearable to be around. I think i would rather hear a infant cry 20 hours straight then hear a 2 year old whine for 3 hours in a row.

a certain 2 year old is whining now - wanting something to eat even though in the last 2 hours he was eaten 3 eggs, 2 pancakes, an apple and cookie.

its been forever...

i havent blogged in months ---- life goes on, it gets busy and things get forgotten. maybe i will start blogging again but maybe not. In the last few months - we have fallen in love w/ a little bald man.

Mack is 4 months old and finally on the growth charts - he is 12lbs 4 oz, in the 3rd percentile and he is 25 inches long, which is 75th percentile. basically he is a tall and skinny green bean that has stolen my heart!!

He sleeps better than any parent can dream - all night, every night and throughout most of the day too!!

Dash is adjusting and has definetly entered his terrible 2's. This week has been a challenge but we are surviving. Even when he is driving me insane - I still just want to hug and kiss him bc he is too cute! Do any parents have any idea what they are doing - bc we definetly do not. Sometimes I just want to smack myself bc i hear myself saying things to dash that I swore I would never say to my kid. (ex "b/c I said so"). I just hope we don't mess these boys up too much!!

Home...

After 22 days in the NICU at All Children's Hospital - Mackey was released a week ago and has been home w/ us ever since! The adjustment to a newborn in the house hasn't been that bad  - Mackey sleeps almost 22-23 hours a day and it is pretty easy to forget that he is even here. Dash is doing so much better than I ever imagined. He likes to give the baby kisses and gently pets his headd...too cute. He also likes to point out Mackey's body parts --- including jabbing him in the eyeball. He is up to almost 6lbs and is getting bigger every day. He is an excellent eater and is eating every 3-4 hours. We are so glad to have him home with us.

almost 3 weeks -

It has been almost 3 weeks, 19 days to be exact and Mackey is still in the NICU and most likely will be coming home sometime early next week. He has finally mastered eating from a bottle and is gaining weight like the doctors want him to. We thought he would be coming home this weekend but he failed his "carseat challenge" which means he has to stay at least 48 more hours until he can be discharged. Hopefully  he will pass on Sunday or else we will be staying even longer. They also want him to be eating ab lib for at least 48 hours and he jsut started that today. He is weighing in at 5lbs 2oz now and is 19 1/2 inches long.

It is pretty difficult trying to juggle spending time at the hospital and taking care of dash --- brent's mom was here for the first week but now i have been going early in the morning before brent goes to work and every evening. I feel like I am not spending enough time there but I know Dash needs me too at this time - i will be glad when he is home and we can figure out a normal routine.

We just pray that he will be discharged soon ---

mackey update

Mackey is 5 days old today and is still in the NICU. He just needs to grow and learn to eat and soon he will be home w/ us! He has lost 10% of his birth weight which is within the normal range and he should start to gain weight in the next few days. He is no longer on any meds or IV's - but he still has the tube down his nose to help w/ his feedings, what he doesn't take from a bottle they have to tube feed him. Right now he is not very good at sucking from a bottle - but everyone assures us that that will just click on one day and then we wont have any issues. I hope that day is soon.

Welcome to the World Mackey!!

Mackey Vincent Pope was born on August 15, 2010 at 9:40am. At 33 weeks gestation, he weighed 4lb 14oz and was 19 inches long. He is still in the NICU and will probably be there for another week or two but is doing as well as expected. He looks just like his big brother - complete w/ the blonde hair that we have no idea where it comes from. My pregnancy was difficult but had a pretty easy labor and painless delivery. He came out kicking and screaming and scored 9 and 9 on his apgars. He is very very long and has giant feet - they look funny connected to his mini body! All the nurses think is an exceptionally cute newborn preemie and I am not going to disagree w/ them.

names names names

why is it impossible for me to name this child? i need help - i feel like i am constantly searching for "the" name, i read credits of movies and tv shows, billboards, new stories, listen to what parents call thier kids at the playground - and still i cannot decide on a name or really even a list of names.

I feel like I am looking for something that just doesn't exist. I want a name that gives off a vibe that I cannot even describe - something cool, yet understated. I don't want it to seem as thought we tried to give him a "cre8tive" name - i just want something different. I want the name to reflect a free spirit but not really a hippie. I want a name that will not limit him but that will allow him to stand out or blend in, whatever he chooses. i think i am just thinking too hard.

 For some reason all the names we kind of like are mostly one syllable names - i dont know why bc they sound kind of funny with our one syllable last name but I am willing to give up flow for that perfect name.
i need ideas --- can anyone help??

July - already!

I cannot believe it is already July! This year is going way too fast and I am not sure I am ready for all the chnages that are going to be happening so soon. I am almost 28 weeks pregnant and am on modified bedrest which doesn't mean much w/ a toddler running around. We are both adjusting to our days spent in the living room instead of outside at the park but I am hoping we both survive.

Preterm Labor has offical started - my cervix has shortened and I am starting to dialate so now we are just trying to keep the contractions under control to prevent any more changes to my cervix. Our goal right now is 30 weeks - only 2 weeks, but I am determined to keep this baby in longer bc there is no way I am ready to have a new baby in only 2 weeks..way too soon!! I am hoping to make it to September - 2 months to go!

Dash still has no idea what is going on -- we have been talking about babies a lot and his new baby but I just dont think he will understand it until the baby is really here! I hope the adjustment will be okay - he is really attached to me and I dont know how he will feel about sharing the attention. We still have no name for this little dude - our list keeps on changing so even if he is born in 2 weeks, he probably will not have a name!

contraction action...

ugh - i am only almost 22 weeks and they are happening all the time. I have meds to take when I have more than 5 an hour but it is still scary to think about all the time that still has to pass before we are in a 'safe' zone. I am scard of bedrest and nervous for all the trips to L&D that are likely to come -what am I going to do w/ Dashy? why can't I just have a normal pregnancy - where labor starts when it is supposed to start not at the halfway point. The weekly u/s are nice to be able to get a peak at the little guy and watch him grow - he is getting so much bigger. The u/s tech turned the 3D on last week and he was kind of scary looking - he needs to get some fat on his face before I would call him cute! He is moving a lot more and his kicks are getting stronger. My appetite returned this week and I have been eating like non stop. I hate it and I hope it regulates soon because I really am not a food person and the thought of all I am eating kind of makes me sick. 

Besides the contractions everything is looking good - i cant wait until I am 24 weeks and the baby is at least considered viable but won't really feel confortable until 30 weeks. I know the summer will probably go by fast and this little guy will be here before we know it.

Half Way!!

20 weeks!! halfway done - it is so hard to believe that it is halfway over already! In 20 weeks (probably less) this little guy will be here --- i guess we should start getting ready sometime soon but i feel like I will jinx myself if I do anything too early. dash has no idea what is going on so he is going to be in for a big surprise!

1 1/2

Dearest Dashman,

You are one and a half and are a crazy little man. You are our monkey - always finding the most dangerous thing to try to climb up. If we leave you alone for a minute - you end up on top of the kitchen table or in the bathroom sink. You love to run, run, run and you are fast. Your crazy blonde hair is long and I cannot bear the thought to cut it off so we just trim it out of your eyes. You love the water and to go swimming - we put on your life jacket and off you go, jumping in the pool w/o even caring if there is anyone to catch you. You still aren't really talking - your favorite phrase is "all done" and "uh-oh" whenever something is going on that you don't like. We are starting speech therapy next week - but I am sure you will be talking soon enough. You love to sing "The Wheels on the Bus" and all the motions that go along with it!! Headbutting and biting are some of the painful ways you show affection. You are hiliarious and we love you!!

fear? passion? boredom?

why does it seem that there is so much that I could be doing, so many places I could go, so much world left to see, just so much something else out there but I am still here, still trying to figure out my place but not making any steps to somewhere new. I sometimes find myself comparing myself to my little sister - i really shouldn't, she is 19 and lives in her own little non-reality. She lives and travels around the world, she trys out and then appears on reality shows, she is a wanderer at heart but she has put all fear aside to make the most out of these last years of no responsibilities. If I had no responsibility and a credit card paid for my my dad then maybe I could be more like her - but I guess that isn't the case but I do want something that I haven't found yet. Am I bored - yes. Do I have a passion - no. Am i scared - most of the time. My husband has this dream of opening a small resort on an island - but he is thinking in the future - a lot of me thinks what about now, what about in 3 years and not 20. I am ready to do something out of the ordinary, to take a huge risk and move somewhere tropical and far away. I kind of want to raise my family on the beaches of a small island, to home school in our kitchen that overlooks the beach, to have my boys play soccer w/ the locals. Thier childhood would be miles away from the midwest suburban upbring my husband and I knew but it would breed culture and understanding. Maybe I want to give them something I never had - something I always craved. I am ready for an adventure and while sometimes everyday life is an adventure enough - I am pretty sure there is something big waiting for us, something that we just haven't stumbled upon yet. I am waiting - but I am sick of being patient - like the fat girl on Charlie and the Chocolate Factory said "I WANT IT NOW!!"

to do or not to do....

so this little peanut - is a BOY!! super excited and everything ... but now we have to decide if we want to circumsize him or not. I had Dash circumsized because at the time I didn't really think about it and just did what I thought was normal to do. I was somewhat traumatized afterward - I did not know that his poor little penis would be so red, bloody, oozy - gross. It made me vomit to think that I caused my newborn baby that much pain just so he could look like his dad? Its not like any penis is exceptionally attractive - it now seems strange to do "plastic surgery" on a new perfect baby but I stll have to convince my husband.

the biggest argument is that dash and his brother will look different - but won't they look different anyways. Dash has blonde hair and blue eyes that come from nowhere - what is the chance that this baby will too?  Most likely this will be a little black hair, dark eyed cutie so if their faces and hair look different, it should be okay for their penises to not look the same.

big decisions big decisions --- at least we have time

16 weeks...

I am 16 weeks today so I figured I should write a pregnancy post. Everything so far has been good -  I have been having a few contractions here and there but nothing to serious and all the ultrasounds so far look good. I have to start the 17P injections tomorrow and they just arrived in the mail today - I am scared of needles and more scared of the fact that Brent has to give them to me. I hope to prevent preterm labor this time b/c I don't know how I would handle bedrest w/ a crazy toddler. My preterm labor started at 21 weeks last time - I really pray that history doesn't repeat itself but the doctors don't seem optimistic and are being very cautious.

I am starting to kind of look pregnant - but really it just looks like i am getting fatter every week. I can't wait to have a real baby bump so i dont look like a fatty! I didnt start showing w/ Dash until 25 weeks - so at least I think I will be showing sooner this time. I have totally been craving strawberries - I eat an entire container every single day and they are delicious. Fresh pineapple too....yummy!

As for baby names --- the debate continues but I think we have narrowed it down to 3. Brent loves one, which I think is too popular, I love one which Brent isn't completely sold on, and then we have a middle option - which everyday I think about it, I am starting to like it less and less. ugh - it is such a process.

prayers

My friends Lindsay and Dale lost their new born baby boy this weekend after a very short time on this earth. Please pray that they are somehow able to find peace and understanding in this tragedy. My heart just aches for them. I will hug my little man a lot tighter and pray that this new little one contines to grow stronger and healthier each week.

normal

i never thought I would be a stay-at-home mom type, i figured i would work hard, make lots of money and send my kids to daycare and be able to enjoy nice things as a result. things change and i am still adjusting to staying home but everyday I start to love it a little more. I get to see my little man growing up - I get to hear every new word that comes from his mouth. I get to chase him at the playground to stop him from running into the lake (why do they build playgrounds next to lakes filled w/ alligators?). sure, we don't have as much money and won't be taking any extravagent European vacations anytime soon and good old Sallie Mae is probably not going to be getting her money back in this decade but it doesn't matter. We live in Florida, beaches are 10 minutes away, Disney is a 1 hour drive - we will have mini staycations and make memories all the same. I may not be a domestic diva - i mean my husband does the laundry and we eat out a good portion of the time - but it is our normal. Our house may have piles of toys all over and cheerios under the couch but it is my comfortable. I would rather spend these first years, playing w/ chalk or blowing bubbles, than scrubbing the floors. And soon there will be another little dude (yes, it is a boy!!) and I want to be home to see everything that I missed when Dashy was in daycare. I don't want to get a piece of paper that tells me what he ate or how much he pooped - i want to be able to count his poops and i want to take him to baby yoga and mommy and me and all the things i missed out on because I went back to work too soon. one day I will have to work (or else Sallie will probably never get her money) but for the next few years I want my days to be filled w/ diapers and mess and toy cars and trips to the park. I want this to stay my normal.

and ....

hello to you too baby!! We are excited and happy to expecting our 2nd little person. I am happily out of the first trimester which thankfully wasn't as bad as it could have been! Almost 14 weeks - and hopefully in less than one week we will know if this is a boy or a girl. I had a ton of issues w/ my pregnancy w/ Dash so I am considered high risk which makes this process all the more frustrating and time consuming. It is insane the amount of appointments I have already scheduled and the thought of the dreaded bedrest really makes me nervous. On the positive side - I have ultrasounds every 2 weeks so at least I get to see the baby a lot!

finally spring time

The weather is finally nice outside....almost feels like summer....the perfect time to enjoy an ice cold slurpee from our local 7-11 on the beach.  Even though we live in Florida, we have had the worst winter ever. It did not get warm until last week, the middle of March. I felt bad for all those spring breakers that had to suffer through a 50 degree spring break. We love to play in our backyard, using sidewalk chalk to cover the pavers w/ toddleresque designs and occasionally enjoying some for a mid-afternoon snack! It seems like shoes are optional this time of the year - the pavement isn't hot yet and it just seems right to wander the neighborhood sans shoes. (except we went to the zoo yesterday and I totally forgot to bring shoes for Dash - I think I got some nasty looks from people, opps) I feel like a giant cloud has lifted and we can be outside for hours a day and the days go by so much faster and everyone is happier.

the move

it is time...time to move again. I approach this with excitement and hesitation. This is my home although at times I curse this house, it is my home. We have painted all these walls, they are very "personal" and "intense" according to the home stager that came last week. We laid down the floors, okay, only very few of the floors we installed remain but we did put some down. We turned the backyard from a dirt field into a beautiful paved Florida paradise. We made a baby and brought that baby home here. There are so many emotions tied to this ugly blue house that it makes me sad to leave. But we need more room -- and to be closer to Brent's job. We want something new and pretty, something we can move it and call home without putting in a lot of work. We are leaving St. Petersburg and moving north to the Tampa Suburbs. I love St. Pete and wish we could stay but the houses we can buy in Tampa are so much newer, larger, nicer than anything we could afford here. So with some hesititation we are putting our house for sale --- I hope a family will be as happy here as we have been, I hope they will learn to love the forever backing up shower and the mean backyard neighbor.

life

why do i have no idea what i want to do with my life?? i have a law degree and the student loans to prove it and I have absolutely no desire to practice law any longer ---- i hate everything about it. Why do I just want to stay home and play with my baby --- i really don't clean or do laundry and I am not much of a cook...I should want to be something else than just a mother, a wife, right? I am working from home right now on as a contract in-house counsel, last month i worked 5 hours. Probably not enough --- i just need to win the lottery. I wish someone would tell me what to do with my life.

ants

it is cold here ... like it is going to be below freezing tonight...which is cold in Florida. The ants have decided to come inside for a vacation. They were not invited and tonight I am on a killing spree. I only have Windex on hand, but it appears that Windex kills them on contact. The bug man is coming tomorrow. I hope they all die.

Dash

Little Man Dash is growing up so fast --- he will be 15 months on the 13th and he thinks he is the funniest little man ever. Example - he comes up to me with his little sneaky smirk on his face and i just smile at him, then he proceeds to shove an entire handful of dog food into his mouth...all while laughing and causing the majority of it to fall onto the floor. The other day I found him the the kitchen double fisting taco shells....he looked so happy i just let him eat away. He is learning his body parts right now...his favorites being his belly button and his head. He is constantly pointing to his head and screeching, what I think is his way of getting me to sing "Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes" his favorite new song! For some reason the child will only eat Turkey Dogs, tomatoes, green beans and any kind of fruit. At least he is a healthy little eater. He is not much of a talker yet -he says dog, dada, all done and the occasional mama. Dash LOVES to climb on everything, he attempts to scale our night table multiple times a day in order to reach the light switch, which he likes to turn off and on. He is probably going to fall on his head soon from all of his climbing but he is so happy doing it that I just supervise and let him do it. This kid amazes me and makes me fall in love with him more each and every day. These last 15 months have been a whirlwind -- it is hard to believe that it has already been so long and yet I can't remember what it was like without him. I am excited what the next year brings for me, for our family and for my little Dashman.