Monday, April 26, 2010
fear? passion? boredom?
why does it seem that there is so much that I could be doing, so many places I could go, so much world left to see, just so much something else out there but I am still here, still trying to figure out my place but not making any steps to somewhere new. I sometimes find myself comparing myself to my little sister - i really shouldn't, she is 19 and lives in her own little non-reality. She lives and travels around the world, she trys out and then appears on reality shows, she is a wanderer at heart but she has put all fear aside to make the most out of these last years of no responsibilities. If I had no responsibility and a credit card paid for my my dad then maybe I could be more like her - but I guess that isn't the case but I do want something that I haven't found yet. Am I bored - yes. Do I have a passion - no. Am i scared - most of the time. My husband has this dream of opening a small resort on an island - but he is thinking in the future - a lot of me thinks what about now, what about in 3 years and not 20. I am ready to do something out of the ordinary, to take a huge risk and move somewhere tropical and far away. I kind of want to raise my family on the beaches of a small island, to home school in our kitchen that overlooks the beach, to have my boys play soccer w/ the locals. Thier childhood would be miles away from the midwest suburban upbring my husband and I knew but it would breed culture and understanding. Maybe I want to give them something I never had - something I always craved. I am ready for an adventure and while sometimes everyday life is an adventure enough - I am pretty sure there is something big waiting for us, something that we just haven't stumbled upon yet. I am waiting - but I am sick of being patient - like the fat girl on Charlie and the Chocolate Factory said "I WANT IT NOW!!"