different.

I'm Pouring My Heart Out with Shell - head on over to read more ...

I had to have a conference with Dash's teachers yesterday. They called me concerned about some of his "developmental" issues and want to sit down to discuss my little man. They said they were concerned about his attention, his hyperfocus on certain things, a couple sensory things that I had never even considered, his energy level in general and his speech and fine motor skill delay. A little overwhelming for me. I just want my little man to be normal and not to struggle. But they also said with all the issues that are going on with him - he is a very very happy child, he doesn't actually present any behavior problems in the classroom. when it is quiet he sits in circle time without being asked and she said that he is one of the only ones that walks in line every single time. He shares the toys without a fight and once you get his attention he does whatever it is that you want him to do with a big smile on his face. They said that his laid back and easygoing attitude are probably what is allowing him to not struggle in the classroom. and he is cute - which makes it easier to forgive his craziness sometimes!

I made an appointment with his doctor to discuss these concerns and see what steps she recommends that we make to help him. We are still waiting for a spot for speech therapy but his speech is getting better every single day so I think that it is more of a waiting kind of situation. I also called the school system to see if we can get an evaluation to see if he qualifies for therapy through them now that he is 3. The 3 times we had him evaluated through Early Steps he never qualified so I don't know if he will but think that observations from his teachers would be helpful.

When I look at Dash - I see this adorable blonde hair little boy who is always laughing and smiling, who loves Mickey Mouse and jumping off high things, a kid who plays hard all day long and then crashes even harder when it is time to go to bed. I don't think of his "issues" as things that make him different but just as what makes him him.

In his eyes ...

Dash started preschool this month. He loves it. In the 3 short weeks he has been there, his speech has vastly improved, he has had 3 somewhat major injuries require accident reports and he now likes to pick up his toys at home. I think he likes to go and do his own thing. But yesterday while his teacher was putting him in his carseat in the pickup line - she was telling me about their project they did that day. They had cut pictures out of magazines to represent their families and  pasted them on some construction paper. Typical toddler project. She handed me Dash's picture out of his Thomas backpack. There was a picture of lady with brown hair, a man that was probably 65 years old (apparently Dash thinks Brent is really old), a picture of a little blonde toddler and 2 dogs that actually looked like our 2 dogs. There was no baby. She said she kept on giving him a baby to glue onto the picture and he refused. He started crying. He didn't want a baby in his family. I don't know why that made me so sad but it did. Dash doesn't talk all that much - so for him to say "no baby on my picture" , it means he really didn't want the baby there. The baby is not even a baby anymore, he runs, he plays, he likes to dig in the dirt too - shouldn't they be friends? Shouldn't Dash be happy to have a playmate, a partner in crime? But no - somewhere in that little almost 3 year old mind, he still sees the baby as a nuisance, someone who he really wishes wasn't around. It just made me sad for him - that by adding to our family it created some sort of resentment in Dash, I know he is only 3 and will get over it and I hope one day they will be best friends and glad to have each other but it is still disheartening to know that in his beautiful blue eyes he sees his family as mama, daddy, him and 2 crazy dogs. He didn't ask for a baby and he still doesn't like him.

a decade ago

i was 20 and a sophomore in college on 9/11/01. I remember being woken up by Brent's fraternity roommates telling us that something bad had happened... we climbed out of the bunk and walked into their living area.  We watched the chaos that the first plane hitting had caused and I remember the banter of of discussing how that could happen but none of us had really understood the magnitude yet . But then we watched as the second plane came crashing into the 2nd tower and we just sat in stunned silence. In a room that was usually held drinking contests between frat boys and still had the solo cups from Monday night's party littering the bar - the raw emotions in that room between 12 college guys and me is hard to explain. In that very moment we all lost a lot of our innocence.  I left shortly later to make it to my drama class at 10:30 - half of the class wasn't there and our professor was her cheerful self. I remember the girl that told her what happen - her name was Autumn, she was on the swim team. Our professor, a young girl with a New York accent, immediately started crying. A minute later someone brought in a television set and we watched the rest of the morning unfold. Our professor dismissed class but we all stayed and watched. Hours later I finally made contact with my dad - he traveled a lot and had left Newark on a flight that earlier that morning. All those hours I never even considered he could have been on one of those planes. I still remember so much about that day --- I remember the email we got from our Communications professor telling us that our scheduled exam that evening was still going to happen - only did I make my way to campus to take the test that it had ultimately been cancelled. I remember the candlelight vigils and the general friendliness of everyone on campus in the weeks that followed. I remember the footage that played on our televisions 24/7. On this day I can't watch that footage - maybe it brings back too memories. maybe i don't want my children to try to comprehend such things. but whether I choose to watch or not - i will not forget.

the fever

what is wrong with me? I have 2 little boys and have no business thinking about having another baby right now. Dash is almost 3 and Macks just turned 1. I DO NOT need a baby - i have 2 already. But Dash is getting so big - he started school, he is talking so much better and he is pretty much just an awesome kid. Mackey is a toddler and being his adventurous self and I cannot imagine not going through all those exciting first things again - the first smile, laugh, rolling over, crawling and walking. I like that they are close together. I don't want to start back with baby stuff after the boys are older. I don't want to be done with diapers only to start them again. I don't want to have to give all these baby toys away only to buy them again 3 years later and my house is way too small to store them for any length of time. I hate that the main reason I feel like I need to wait to start trying is because my pregnancy are high risk and I most definitely will end up on bed rest at some point. Mack still needs to me to be active and he hasn't yet figured out how to sit still to watch even 10 minutes of TV. It wasn't fair to Dash for me to be stuck in bed for months and then in the NICU when he was still so little. I have to wait - I know I do and I will but some days when I see newborn babies I can't help but want my own or when I go to Target and every single person is pregnant but me. or when I see my OB at the mall and she asks when I am having my next? I have stuff I want to do this year ... I am planning a trip to the UK to visit my little sister in the early spring and if I was pregnant it would mess everything up. Logically I know I have to wait - at least another year but some days I wish it would just happen and we would all be surprised and say it was meant to be. But unless I am the .01% that get pregnant with an IUD than I am just going to have to wait. In the meantime I will just live vicariously through my pregnant friends and enjoy drinking a beer after a stressful day.

what i hope to teach them

dash is starting preschool next week. up until now his education has been mainly something that we are responsible for but next week teachers and other students will start to shape him into the man he will be. i am hopeful that preschool and his early learning experiences will be positive and help him develop a life long love of learning. but there are some things that i want to teach this kids that they probably won't learn in school.


1. laugh. laugh loud and long. sometimes laugh when you feel like you are going to cry. humor can get you through some of the hardest things. I want them to be able to see the hilarity in some of the mundane everyday life things. life is funny.

2. good friends do not judge or try to change you. good friends will tell you that you look ridiculous wearing a fedora but won't care if you continue to wear it. good friends will spend hours just hanging out doing nothing at all. best friends are like family and some last forever. 

3. they won't win everything. sometimes you just fail. you won't make the baseball team, you don't get the promotion, you lose your job, your girlfriend dumps you right before the 7th grade dance. it can't always go your way and it might suck for a little bit but then it is done and there will be something bigger and better waiting for them. maybe they will suck at baseball and instead be really good at writing short stories or singing in glee club. (doubtful given their genes) who knows but i am going to give them the chance to find out what it is!


5. I have a fortune framed in my kitchen from a fortune cookie I opened 10 years ago as a sophomore in college. It says "Stay True to the Dreams of Your Youth". I want them to always live with their hearts ... be happy in their own shoes. I don't want them to make choices just to please me - I want them to be truly happy in every thing they do. I want them to think that if they want to be the freakin' president of the United States than they will be the President!


6. I want them to know that right now they are our entire world. they are so young and precious and innocent and they deserve to be loved like crazy. They deserve our attention and our hugs and our kisses and everytime I say "yes" to one more time when I really really really want to be saying "no". they are babies and pretty soon they won't be so if one more time down the slide or one more really long walk around the block or one more really yummy cookie puts a smile on their faces - where's the harm in that!

you're one ... a happy birthday post!

my little mackman,

you started out so small and for so long we were so worried about you. we had to record every singled mL you ate and at first it was so little that we had to measure it is cc's. But that was then and obviously you are making up for those first few months when you wanted nothing to do with food because you can eat. a lot.  I don't know of a baby that eats more than you and you are still so so skinny. You weigh 20lbs which is the 20th percentile and are 31 inches long which is the 80th percentile. You would be happy if I let you eat black beans for every single meal, and I probably would if only they weren't so messy!

You have been walking for a couple of months now and have kind of progressed to running. You are fast already. You have walked right out of the baby stage and into the toddler. You are a dare devil and are injury prone. I have never cleaned up so much blood in my life - every single day you cut something open. and sometimes I just happens when you are standing doing nothing ... i think you are just trying to make me have grey hair or something. You are so so happy - some days you don't cry at all, even if you have decided you are too big for a nap. You go about wandering around the house like you are on a mission, a mission to wander!



You have started dancing to music and it is pretty funny! You love the Hot Dog song from Mickey Mouse ... you get the biggest smile on your face and then start grooving! I don't think you really have a favorite toy ... you like to pick little things up and carry them around the house. You and your brother have started to play more together ... he still gets mad at you when you steal his toy but you don't ever seem to mind when he grabs it back from you.

Pretty soon you will be a full fledged toddler - telling me "no" and loving Elmo but I am going to try to enjoy these last few months of babyhood! I am going to enjoy the bedtime snuggles and your crazy kisses. I'm going to keep feeding you all the variety of foods you like because I am pretty sure once you turn 2 1/2 all you will want to eat will be chicken nuggets even though you have never eaten them in your life...it's just going to happen! I'm going to cherish our slowest walks around the block ... a 1 year old and a 3 year old can make a 1/3 mile walk take over an hour but it does let me slow down and see all the beauty that does exist on our street. Dash is teaching you to take the time to smell the weeds and to eat mulch (just ignore that lesson)!


A year ago - it was so hard for me to picture you as a toddler. You were so miniature and fragile and now you are so rough and tumble and crazy! I am so excited to see you grow up and become your own little man!

Love- mama. 

help.

We have been struggling with Dash's speech delay for almost a year now. Two Early Steps evaluations told us nothing except that he didn't qualify for their therapy. It didn't appear his speech issue was caused by another disorder so they couldn't help him. A week ago we had a speech evaluation at the Children's Hospital - the therapists agreed that he needed therapy, We start in July - 2 days a week until he doesn't need it anymore. There really is no timeframe. I am glad that he will finally be getting the help that he needs. I will be glad when I can understand him without having to guess what he is trying to tell me. I will be happy when the tantrums out of pure frustration taper off. I am glad that he doesn't have another disorder but I really wish the state funded program would have been able to help him. I know kids that recieve speech therapy through Early Steps who speak so much better than Dash - 2 of them even speak both English and Spanish and can be understood pretty easily in either language. I understand Dash maybe 20% of the time - other people probably understand maybe 5%. I guess I don't understand thier criteria or testing methods - he clearly needs help and other people that need help less than him in the area are getting it instead of him. It is frustrating. I am lucky we have good health insurance that will cover his therapy in the most part - but still wish I hadn't wait so long to get a second opinion. I knew he needed therapy - I should have trusted what I was feeling.