cheated.

I was at a playdate with a mom's group yesterday and there happened to be 2 very pregnant ladies and the conversation turned to the last weeks of pregnancy and all the ailments and complaints that go along with it. I just sat there, quiet. I never got to experience that last home stretch, I never had the swollen feet or the ginormous belly, or the curiousty of how far dialated I was when I was at 38 weeks, or the anxious feeling of wondering if my water will break when I am making a lap around the mall. my babies come early.

Dash was born at 35 weeks so I did get to experience some of that with him but I was on bedrest and had weekly ultrasounds and cervix exams so there really wasn't very much element of the unknown. Mack was born at 32 weeks and I had been on hosptial bedrest - so basically spent my 3rd trimester in the hospital, either in bed or sitting next to his isolette while he struggled to grow and feed.

part of me feels cheated. I can't join in on 3rd trimester converstaions because my pregnancies aren't normal. I don't know what it is like to only have one ultrasound, to not have any idea to how big the baby will be when he is born. or to get excited when your doctors appointments move up to twice a month and finally once a week. i practically lived in my doctors office and ultrasound room from 12 weeks on. I can't really complain about having to chase a toddler around while pregnant because I wasn't even allowed to get up to make a freakin sandwich for him, let alone put him in the carseat to go to the playground and my doctors would have had a heart attack had i even said the word ran!

one of the mama's in the group described those final weeks as a right of passage into parenthood - that kind of made me sad but I am sure the challenges we have faced earned me that passage. I don't know why I even think about it when being pregnant is not in the near future and those challeneges are behind me at least for now. but i do every now and again - i wish i could complain about being 40 weeks and still not feeling a single contraction but instead i got to complain about being 20 weeks and feeling too many contractions (which people got very concerned about so I stopped mentioning it to the general public).

i guess we all have our pregnancy and birth stories and mine just happen to be shorter than most other people. It just bothers me that if I have another baby, statistics show that it will likely be born even early than Mackey. but in the end - it doesn't matter. this is all that matters.