vent

i am venting here because I don't know where else to vent and my husband was just pretending to listening to me when i was telling him the story. i am annoyed.

I am going to start by saying I know I am lucky to be able to stay at home with my babies, i get to spend every moment with them, every day. I get to majority of the hugs and kisses and I love it most of the time. But I do not think it is easy and there are days it is incredibly stressful. I worked until dash was 1 1/2 and I can say it was so much easier for me to be a working mama, by the time i picked him from daycare, he was too tired to play, so my house stayed relatively clean. I only had to change a couple of poopy diapers a week. He wasn't as attached to me so I didn't have a 30 pound magnet stuck on my leg. I got to eat lunch out every afternoon with people my age and without making sure my child isn't throwing food or trying to escape. We had a lot more money so I could buy whatever I wanted and plan trips whenever I felt like it. That being said, I am thankful for my messy toy filled house, and the peanut butter handprints on my cabinents and everything else that is involved with being a stay at home mom.

I try not to take things too personally and am totally a non confrontation kind of person but I was talking to a friend, B, on the phone this morning. Someone I hang out with during the week, go to the park together or the mall, or whatever. She stays at home with her daughter but also watches 2 little boys everyday. She takes them wherever she goes. Our mutual friend had posted on facebook this morning that she couldn't wait until the weekend because it had been such a stressful week at home with her 2 kids. B says to me, "I can't believe X said she was excited for the weekend, every day is her weekend because she doesn't work". Umm, what? She has a 2 year old and a 6 month old and I am sure she is not just sitting on her ass feeding her kids cheerios all day long. I responded by saying, "I look forward to the weekend every week, hell, I look forward to 7 p.m. when my husband gets home everyday, its hard to stay at home every day." B got all confrontatinal and pissy and said "you just don't understand, you don't work - it is your own kid, you can just lock him in his room for timeout when he is misbehaving." Does she not know my child, if I locked Dash in his room, he would somehow manage to climb to the top of the closet and pretend to be superman. I don't know why I got so annoyed - she was just saying that it was harder for her to stay at home with her daugher (who i might add could use a dose of discipline, and that is coming from a very lenient parent) and 2 little boys who whenever we are anywhere just lay on the ground (they are not quite normal) and who take 4 hour naps every afternoon, even though they are 2 and 4. I am sure it is difficult to watch someone else's kids - but staying at home with your own kids every day is not a vacation, it is not the weekend. There is noone to help contain my crazy kid or feed the baby or pick up the toys for the 5 millionth time or to go grocery shopping or anything else we do. It is a job and a lot of days I am thankful that I survived the day. I am glad I am able to be a stay at home mama to my boys - but I don't want someone to think I am being lazy for staying at home or on some vacation,or a never ending weekend - it is work, damnit. don't judge me - especially by someone who basically is a stay at home mama and knows what bad days at home are like.

(sorry this is long and doesn't really make sense, but I am uber annoyed at this person and had to vent)

jealous

it is hard to admit that you want something that someone else has, that there is something about their lives that appears to be better than your own. to think that if circumstances had been different that could have been my life. there is not that much that I am jealous of these day - i know that I have it pretty good. sure i wish when i walk into the Gap or Nordstrom that I could buy the stuff that was just put out, the stuff that *gasp* is not on sale, but instead I direct myself directly back to the clearance racks and don't even bother to look at the regular stuff. i am cheap - even if i had millions of dollars I will still be cheap.

sometimes I get jealous of my little sister's lifestyle and experiences. She is only 20 - so it is hard to compare our lives. She goes to school in downtown Chicago, when she isn't studying in Costa Rica, Cyprus, New Zealand or the United Kingdom. When I was 20, I was having the typical midwestern state college experience - cheap beer, football games and frat parties. I went to Fort Lauderdale for spring break not Morrocco and Ibiza. My boyfriend lived in a frat house down the road, her boyfriend lives across the Atlantic and has a beach house on the Mediterranean. I collected people's spit in a Psych. Lab to make money (grossest job ever) while she models beautiful clothes for an hour photoshot and makes more than I did in a semester. She eats crap, like 7-11 churros and slurpees every day and those nasty little debbie cosmic brownies that taste so horrible and yet she is so skinny and appears fit, even though I am sure her only exercise is a saturday shopping trip. While I am not obese or anything - I wish I could have a 20 year olds metabolism again. She claims she has social anxiety, which often involves me making phone calls and pretending to be her - except she happily tried out for Top Model and then actually was on the show, which doesn't go alone with her WebMD diagnosis.
The biggest celebrity I ever met was Jarod the Subway Guy on an airplane and he was a horribly mean person and she can say she personally knows Tyra. The last 2 years of her life contained so much more adventure and excitement that my entire 30 years. so sometimes I am jealous - until I am talking to her on Skype and she is whining because her boyfriend and most of her friends live on the other side of the world, or becuase she hates her roommates or because the slurpee machine is out of her favorite flavor or when she is trying to get me to give her money for her next plane ticket to Europe or when she has 4 papers due in 4 different classes all on the same day. sometimes after I am stuck inside with 2 sick kids and 2 barking dogs for days at a time - her life seems like a welcome vacation but i'm not 20 anymore and I think I would die from exhaustion trying to keep up.

Early Intervention Evaluation take #2

I have talked about Dash's speech delays in the past - and it was starting to worry me that he talks in what seems like a different language so I called and scheduled an Early Intervention evaluation. We had one six months ago but he didn't qualify after his 2nd interview with the therapists. The lady came to our house and Dashy was in a horrible mood that morning. I swear he probably threw himself on the floor at least 6 times in the 45 minutes she was here. He wanted nothing to do with her "bag of tricks" - he took her pink crayon and threw it at the wall, he looked at her 3 measely blocks that she wanted him to stack and kicked them and walked out of the room, he decided that for the first time in 4 months that he just had to play with matchbox cars that have been collecting dust in the corner of his room. It was like he knew what this lady was here to do and he wanted no part of it. She heard him talking to his imaginary friend in his room, in his little languge, she heard him answer simple questions and watched him follow directions, she observed him scaling the kitchen cabinets to get to his tooth brush and proceeding to have a meltdown until I put toothpaste on it and let him brush his teeth.

He didn't qualify for the Early Steps services, she said if it would make me feel better I could schedule the second interview with the 3 therapists but she knew he wouldn't qualify. She said that their program looks more at receptive language and he obviously is understanding everything. She said that he does talk, it is just that we can't understand most of what he is saying,  he is not mute or flat, he showed an appropriate range of emotions. Basically she said everything that I already knew - he it too normal for their services but she thought he might benefit from some individual speech therapy, just not through them.

I am frustrated that he didn't qualify for thier program - I will call and schedule an independent evaluation through the children's hospital (which my insurance will not cover) and I guess I should be greatful that he is normal, at least in the eyes of the State of Florida.

the other

My first pregnancy was a total surprise. I did not pee on a stick. I had no idea that I was pregnant until the phone rang. I had recently had a blood test ran before I was to start on some new medicine. They tested for the pregnancy hormone. The phone rang and the nurse said "congratulations, your numbers are really high, which is a good thing." I remember thinking what is she talking about - why is she congratulating me. I remember sitting my diet coke down on the island and asking her to repeat herself. She said "You're pregnant. That's why you were having your blood tested, right?" My heart started beating so fast, my face got flushed and I scheduled my first OB appointment for the following week.

The day of my appointment - I started to bleed. I googled the shit out of it - scaring myself and convincing myself that this baby that I hadn't even wanted wasn't going to be. They took me back for an ultrasound as soon as I told them I was bleeding. It was the first time I had met the ultrasound tech, Gina, who happened to be a godsend during 2 very high risk pregnancy, she was so calm and reassuring. Even through her small talk as she did the ultrasound I could tell something wasn't right by her concerned face and the amount of time the ultrasound took. On the screen I saw what I assumed was the baby or the beginning of a baby - so I wasn't sure what could be wrong. Finally, she asked if I knew what I was looking at. I didn't really so she went to explain. There were 3 sacs, only 2 had fetal poles, there were no heart beats. I tried to remember what I had read on google - but my brain was still trying to grasp the three sacs, three maybe babies. I left that appointment with not much reassurance. They couldn't say if any of those sacs would turn into babies. I just had to wait and see.

2 weeks later - I had another ultrasound. This time there were only 2 sacs but they had heart beats. twins. we were excited, scared, blessed. then I started to bleed again - nothing was reassuring, i was convinced these babies were gone. Only 3 days after Gina told us that we were having twins, she would tell us that there was only one heartbeat, only one baby, only one Dash.

The emotions were intense, the element of fear very very real but I had a baby to cling to, in the end I would have someone to love. I wish I could say the rest of my pregnancy was uneventful - but it wasn't. Preterm labor started at 20 weeks, the day after we found out Dashy was a boy. There were weekly visits to multiple doctors, bedrest, crazy mediciations and hospital visits. But in the end, we had our baby boy and he was healthy.

I tried to not let myself think about Dash's twin --- about the baby that we don't know. But whenever I see twins around his age - I can't help but think to myself that that could have been us. When I see him talking his made-up language to his imaginary friend - part of me thinks he is talking to his brother or sister. When he is doing something funny or cute - sometimes I catch myself thinking that there could have been 2 of these kids. life would be different. things happen for a reason. mackey would probably not be here. what happens happens and while I don't want to forget, I do not question it and I am grateful for everything that I do have in my life and all the hugs and smiles and kisses that I get from these 2 little blonde boys that fill our home with love.

6 months!!

happy half birthday to you, happy half birthday to you ...... hard to believe it has already been 6 months since the little mackman made his entrance into this world. it is crazy to think that in 6 short months he has gone from a little 4 lb nothing to an almost 15 lb happy and thriving baby. The first time I tried to feed him a bottle, he was 1 day old and it took 60 minutes for him to drink 5 mL (not even half an ounce) and just 5 minutes ago I fed him 6 ounces in less than 3 minutes.

at six months - Mackey is rolling all over our living room. he doesn't seem to mind that he is usually covered in dog hair. Anytime he is laying flat on his back, he is working his ab muscles and doing little baby sit-ups. He laughs at the dogs and when he is watching Dashy being crazy. He sleeps most nights from 7:30 until 7:30. He is a happy and content little man. He weighed 14lbs 14 oz, which is the 10th percentile and was 27 1/2 inches long, which is the 75th percentile. He is probably going to be tall and skinny just like his daddy and all of his uncles.

his hair has always kind of been an indeterminate color - but lately i think his real blonde hair is coming through and finally getting longer. I can't tell if it is going to be as white as dash's but he is definetly a toehead and likely will stay that way for awhile because both his eyebrows and eyelashes are blonde too. I have no idea where these blonde boys are coming from but i can tell you it is not the postman because our postman is quite possibly the devil, and these sweet boys are totally not the spawn of satan.

6 months seems like such a milestone --- but before i know it he will be 1 and running all over the place.

Mackey attempting to drink his first bottle --- before the feeding tube was put in.

5 days old hanging out in his hut in the NICU...

Mackey at 6 months hanging out  with Daddy on Valentines Day.

love him.

valentines ...

i am not a very sappy, lovey person. valentines day too me is kind of a silly hallmark holiday so I don't usually participate in the card buying and gift giving. and i look HORRIBLE in red. but I am so lucky to have such an amazing man in my life. He loves me for the me that I have always been - he knows about all my negatives and embraces them. Our house will never be perfectly clean, our bed most likely will be unmade and the laundry will always be in some sort of dissary. I don't really like to cook and when I do it isn't particulary the best thing ever. There most likely will always be a new bag of clothes or Target items sitting next to the front door from my daily excursion. And my jeans never quite seem to make it into the hamper. But he knew all of this before he married me - so I guess he has learned to love it! He loves our kids and when he gets home from work he plays with them and enjoys it. He gives them baths, changes their diapers, gets up in the middle of the night (if he hears them) and actually wants to have another one! Too him it isn't too much work, it is just life. If I say I need a vacation, he tells me to go on one. If I need him to stay home from work to watch the kids so I can go to Harry Potter at Univerisal sans kiddos - he does it. I have a friend that teases me because when I first started dating him, I described him as "the nicest guy in the universe" and honestly that is 100% true. He will do anything for anyone - even a perfect stranger which can be annoying sometime but it is better than the opposite. I know I am so lucky to have such an honest, loving, funny man to spend my life with and I cannot imagine sharing my life with anyone else!

friends ...

why is it so hard to find really really good ones - like the kind that will drop everything for you, the kind that just drop by to hang out, the kind that i wish could be there when my babies are born, the kind where I can be 100% myself and not have to worry - the best friend forever kind of friend. I am lucky to have a few of these people in my life but they all live a plane ride away. They can't just drop on by and drink diet cokes all afternoon while our kids play in the backyard because they are 6 states in the way. I have to settle for daily or weekly phone calls in between playdates and Target trips. I look forward to trips up north a couple times of year so we can just hang out and it always is just like it used to be. Its like the moment we get together even though there are kids and husbands and whatnot - we are almost the same people we were all those years before when we met. Maybe it is because there has been all those years, all those memories and stories. Maybe it is because I met them when I was younger, in high school and college, and the connection was easier and stronger. I dont know. I wish I had someone in my life like that, that lived 5 minutes away. I am so grateful for the friends I do have here - and they each have a spot in my heart but it just doesn't feel the same. I feel like I have to clean up my house before they stop by and I know I am not 100% myself around them. I am more reserved, more cautious of the things I say. I dont think that any of them would want to come over at 4 in the afternoon and have a beer with me after a long day - and in fact I don't ask. Maybe they would. I am just missing the connection - the don't have to try kind of feeling, the falling down laughing at the stupidest thing, the looks that say a million words and don't need to be interpreted. sometimes i wish we would move back to Chicago, closer to those people and we could raise our babies together but that is never going to happen so I need to try to forge a connection here. maybe i should just be glad for the friends I have and give the relationships time but its just not the same and it never will be. maybe since I am thinking about it I should take the time to tell those BFF kind of friends how important they are to me becuase its probably been a long time, if not forever since I did.

miss these people.

Dash is almost 2 1/2 - and as I have mentioned before he is a crazy crazy kid. He started walking at 8 months and has been running ever since. But he still doesn't really talk. I mean he communicates and of course "talks" but most of the time it seems he is speaking Dutch and lately it sounds like he is Fred Flintstone because half the stuff he has been saying seriously sounds like "yabba dabba do".  He was evaluated for speech therapy at 20 months but didn't qualify and actually scored exceptionally high in all the sections except verbal communications. Basically everyone just tells me to wait. The doctor tells me that nothing is wrong with him. But all my friends kids are talking by that age - they are all posting cute kid sayings on Facebook. I want him to talk ... I am sick of trying to deciper what he is trying to tell me. I feel like I have learned a 2nd language because his words for most things are not anything like the actual thing. I know he will talk eventually but why isn't he talking now. If he needs therapy I really want him to start early and I don't know if his doctor will give me another referral to the Early Intervention. I don't want to be the psycho mom that thinks something is wrong with her kid when he is fine. I don't really just want to sit and wait and see if it gets better.

Maybe he is just too busy running to talk....who knows.

randomness ...

just some random things that maybe you don't know about me ...

1. i have a compulsion with buying baby/kids clothes --- seriously I cannot go a week without buying something for the boys. i could probably avoid laundry for 3 months and they still would have plenty of clothes to wear.

2. i am pretty sure we shouldn't have named Mackey, Mackey. It just doesn't seem right and I'm having a hard to getting used to it. We had 17 names to choose from when he was born and I was on drugs and had a crazy birth certificate lady telling me I had to choose even before I had held him. That should not be legal.

3. We never say our kids middle names, never ever. The other day Brent actually asked me what Dash's middle name was. It's Harrison, if you are curious.

4. I last painted my toenails 3 days before Mackey was born. That was almost 6 months ago and there is still a little bit of the paint on my big toes.

5. I am not a homebody - it is hard for me to spend an entire day at home both during the week and on the weekends.

6. We eat out entirely too much - probably 4 nights a week, although we are getting better at it.

7. I love to travel --- but my passport has been expired for the last year. Lately, our trips end up just being to Indiana or Chicago.

8. I was a vegetarian for 10 years but now will eat chicken and fish ... I like to say I just don't eat mammels because humans are mammels.

9. I just watched Dash dump like half a shaker of black pepper on his bowl of goldfish crackers and he is still eating them.

10. We want to have at least one more baby --- probably in the next 3 years. I think it seems easier to get the baby stage over with all at once.

11. If I had unlimited money and a much bigger house - I would definetely have more than three kids.

12. Our 10 year plan (hopefully sooner) is to own and run our own beach resort on an island somewhere.

13. I hate our house but cannot sell it because noone wants to buy it right now. ugh.

14. There is a mysterious neighbor that mows our grass in the summer --- i have no idea who it is, but thank you stranger.

15. I love living where it is warm all year - I don't know how I would readjust to living where the winter is so cold and long again.

16. Dash eats a ridiculiously huge breakfast everyday - at least 2 eggs, an apple, a yogurt, goldfish crackers and some waffles. then he eats lunch 2 hours later.

17. Brent usually does most of our laundry because I hate it so much and usually just forget it in the washer for days at a time.

18. We love to go to baseball games in the summer - nothing like drinking beer, hanging out with good friends and watching baseball. go whitesox!

19. My drink of choice is vodka tonic with extra lime! yum.

20. My brown dog Allie has severe vet anxiety - which turns her into the craziest werewolf like creature, foaming from the mouth, shitting all over the walls, shedding all her hair, flinging her giant body around - this is after a very large tranqulizer. I now give her her shots myself and just pray she doesn't get too sick.

21. The day I bought Rocco, our border collie, my best friend and I drove from downtown Chicago to a farm an hour away to pick him and his sister, Georgie, up. I didn't tell Brent until I showed up at his work with Rocco - he didn't even acknowledge the cute puppy for 3 days because he was so mad. Now that same dog is Brent's shadow - he is obsessed with him to the point that it is annoying.

22. My hair is longer than it has ever been in my entire life - I am so tempted to cut it all off but I am going to try to keep it long for a little longer.

23. I like to repaint rooms in my house - we have lived here for 5 years and our bedroom has been 4 different colors.

24. I graduated both college and law school a semester early.

25. I love staying home with these kids but some days I think I might need to at least find a part time job for my sanity's sake. I don't think I want to work full time until they are in school.