after...

its almost impossible to describe or explain - but that moment when your slippery baby comes sliding out is totally surreal. there is relief, fear, excitement and so many other emotions all happening in one millisecond when that babe enters the world. I remember thinking as I saw the doctor hand him to the nurses how small he was, I remember hearing those tiny squeeks that signified life, I remember my eyes meeting Brents and just staring in awe at the little person that we created. The NICU team checked him over - he was better than expected, small but resiliant, a little fighter. Then they handed him to me - it had probably been no more than 3 minutes since he was born but those 3 mintues seems like a lifetime. I needed to hold him, needed to see w/ my own eyes and touch him w/ my own hands, to see that he was okay. I kissed his small head and looked at every part of his perfect minature body. I told him I loved him, that everything was going to be okay. and then just as quickly has he had arrived - they took him away. Brent left too - he went w/ Mackey to the NICU at the attached Children's Hospital. I was alone - no baby, no husband. Just the doctor and a nurse - it seemed so quiet compared to the 20 people that had been in the room for his arrival just moments before. Less than an hour later I was moved to a mother and baby room - except I had no baby. My room was small and didn't have the usual items found in the room. There was no baby bassinet or diapers or excited people waiting to meet the babe - just me and Brent and the worst headache I had ever had. It seems weird for me to think of now -but right after Mack was born, I had horrible migraine and had to sleep. and I slept for a long time - I didn't have to worry about taking care of a newborn or toddler, so I slept for almost 14 hours.  Five months later,  the experience doesn't really seem real. I had just had a baby but for that first day when I was alone in that room, it was as if nothing had changed when in reality everything had.