Wednesday, March 30, 2011
food for thought
Food. It's something we literally need to survive and there really is no gettting around eating unless you are hooked up to a feeding tube. Everyone has to eat but at lot of the time, I don't like to eat. I have food issues - probably stemming from when I was a preteen. I do not have a healthy relationship with food even though I know what I should eat, how much I should eat, why i need certain nutrients. A lot of days I do not eat until my husband gets home from work. I don't like to eat by myself. It feels wrong for me to sit down and eat a sandwich with Dash for lunch. I would rather just open another Diet Coke and maybe a handful of Goldfish and call it lunch. I know my metabolism is slow because it is in starvation mode but it is hard for me to eat when I am not hungry and I am rarely hungry.
My eating habits probably started out as a weight loss/semi-anorexic strategy. In college I would eat once a day, a 6 inch Subway Veggie Delight Sub at around 4 pm every afternoon followed either by a long trip to the gym or hours spent drinking cheap beer or nasty vodka. I lost 20 lbs my freshman year - and it wasn't as if I had 20lbs I needed to lose. When I look at pictures of myself in college, I cannot believe that I was that skinny. I don't think I will ever be that thin again but a lot of those bad habits i started are still with me almost 10 years later.
I really want to get back into shape and lose a little bit of weight but I know in order to do that the right way that I will have to start increasing my calories. I feel silly saying that but I know thats what I have to do. I wish it wasn't so hard for me to eat regularly, I wish food didn't have such negative connotations and I could just eat a sandwich like everyone else. I'm working on it and some days are better than others. Today, is not a good day - it's almost 5 pm and I have not eaten anything except for 6 Diet Cokes. there is always tomorrow.